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spiralling out of control

May 18th, 2006 (11:57 pm)

current mood: worried

Well, these past few days have been pretty full on. I spent most of today just sitting on the lounge crying. I don’t even know what about Just stressed I think. Plus my Dad had been saying since Sunday that we were going to have coffee this afternoon, and of course he ended up working late and we had to cancel. He asked if we could do it tomorrow and I said yes, but I have to work tomorrow so we won’t be able to.
I had an ok mothers day, although my sister did lie to me and then get very stoned and try and fight with me and deny it. I don’t really want to get into it here…but yeah.
Then she decides to tell me she is disappointed in me because she can no longer go out and get stoned with her friends because she thinks I am going to judge her when she gets home. She said that she doesn’t see why I have asked her not to come home stoned, as my daughters don’t know what stoned means. She seems to think that as long as my children don’t understand then she can get as stoned/drunk as she wants. UGH!!!!!!!! I just want her to leave.
On top of all this, my mother had a fight with her husband and has decided to come to Adelaide with my brother. They won’t have any money while they are here, so I will have to support them. If they get stuck for petrol money on the way over, I have to pay for it. If my brother needs to fly back home for work, I will need to come up with a plane ticket. Now, my brother is like, sumo sized…. and I have enough trouble trying to feed my stoner hungry cow sister…. I AM FREAKING OUT TOTALLY. Plus not to mention they are saying now that they are staying for a month, which means they will be here for my birthday, so basically I wont be able to have a party for it or anything. Every time I think about what is happening, I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like I have no control over what is happening in my life. I wish I wasn’t too scared to stand up for myself. I feel so sick. I am in a black hole and someone is filling it with water. My whole life is getting away from me.

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A scary night

May 13th, 2006 (11:04 pm)

current mood: scared

My baby (15 months) woke up in the middle of last night crying and would not go back to sleep. I ended up getting her out of her bed and putting her in mine with me.
During the night I woke up because I heard this weird muffled cry..it scared me and I had no idea what it was. I felt around for the baby and realised she was entangled in my big mink blanket. I manged to get her out of there, and she was dripping with sweat and obviously terrified as she just clung to me. I got up and folded up the mink blanket and lay her in my arms so she wouldn't move. We woke up like that this morning..so obviously she was too scared to wriggle around anymore.
I keep thinking this morning that if I hadn't woken up to her muffled cries....I don;'t even want to think about what might have happened.

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Somewhere to vent

May 13th, 2006 (10:48 pm)

current mood: depressed

I just need to have a general vent. I am having a few issues right now, and just need somewhere to talk about it.
When I was younger I made quite a few financial mistakes and overcommitted myself to a lot of things with my partner at the time, so my credit rating is essentially ruined. Anyway, this means I cannot get a home loan. The house I am living in now, I got when I was 20. It is a house for young mums, which means I have to move out when I turn 26, which is next June. It really isn't that far away when you think about it. So I have started looking for somewhere else to live. I am starting to get really down on myself about this house thing. I grew up in a family where we had to move every time the lease was up, and I don't want that for my girls. I feel like i have let them down. Because of my credit rating I am not able to get a home loan so the only way I can buy a home is rent to buy. I have found the perfect house, on the same street as my daughters school, it has 3 bedrooms and a rumpus room, but the guy needs between a $5000 and $10,000 deposit. I asked my parents if there is anyway they could help me with $5000 but they said there isn't (which I doubt is really true) so now I am going to miss out on this perfect house...It is upsetting me so much. It bugs me that I am the one who has gone through so much, and yet I am always the one who has to work my butt off for everything, and I am the one left with all the responsibility.
PLUS I have been trying to lose weight. I have been eating healthy and going to the gym, but I really have no support here. I want to join Jillian Michaels online fitness program which is $4 a week. I asked my dad if I could use his credit card to join up, and he said he would think about it. I had the money in my hand ready to give him. That was a week ago. I have asked him a couple of times this week about it, and he keeps saying he will think about it. When I checked the website the other day it has now gone up to $5 a week. It may not seem that much more, but that is $5 american which is about $7 Australian and it is billed quarterly which means insted of having to pay $67.35 every thirteen weeks it will now be more like $80 something. They keep asking me why I can't just do the stuff at home, and why I need a trainer, and the truth is I have no support here. I cook healthy meals and my sister will say let's go to KFC....I made spinach casserole and my dad liked it so he swapped me 10 bottles of softdrink for the whole lot. They laugh at me when I go to the gym, and constantly tease me about my fat arse!
I just feel so angry and so useless right now. If they had only said yes a week ago, everything would have been fine...
And on top of all this I have had sick girls! My eldest saughter has since been back to the doctor and had her ear suctioned out, but is now complaining of pain in her jaw....
Anyway, I just got home from work...so I am going to go to bed!
Thanks for letting me vent.

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Another day another hospital visit

May 11th, 2006 (10:40 pm)

current mood: tired

Well, today was terrible. My eldest daughter needed to go back to the doctor to have her ear infection checked, and found out she has a staph infection in her ear, so I had to take her to hospital. We waited there for over 4 hours before we saw anyone, and then found out she actually has two infections in her ear, one inside her ear, and one outside the ear. Her ear canal has haemorrhaged and has been bleeding, so they gave her stronger antibiotics and sent her home tonight, telling me to take her back in for an emergency appointment with the ENT tomorrow. THEN, while we were waiting in the emergency room, the baby decided to nose dive off a kids table and chair set they had there, and landed with a very loud THUD on the floor, started screaming and came up with a terrible terrible bump on her head, so bad she had taken the skin off in one part. So we had to check her into emergency as well, and got an ice pack and some Panadol for her, and had to wait for her to see the doctor as well. I just want to hold my babies tonight, and kiss them so much!
I know I have gone over my calories today, we stopped at KFC for dinner after being at the hospital all day and unlike McDonalds they don’t have healthy options like salads. I got a twister meal, hoping that was a little better!
Anyway, it’s off to bed now!

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A weird day

May 9th, 2006 (08:52 pm)

current mood: ditzy

Well, I have had an interesting day, to say the least. Today was the first real test of commitment I had. My eldest daughter was sent home from school because she has an ear infection that is so bad her ear is actually leaking. This meant I couldn’t go t the gym. I started to have a mild panic, thinking that this would be the end, that if I had one or two lazy days I would give up, especially after my dismal results on the scale last week. So, rather than sit around doing nothing, I whipped out Jillian’s dvds and managed to work my way completely through Shape up front and half of Shape up backside before I couldn’t do any more. I think it is the star jumps that are killing my knees, so I think I will just jump on the spot instead of jumping out for a while and see how that goes.
At work tonight I was complaining to my co-worker that I couldn’t do star jumps tonight, so she took me into one of the resident’s rooms and gave me this cream to put on my knee. She said it was like deep heat and would help my knee feel better. Well, she put this cream on me, and within 5 minutes my whole knee was red and purple and giving off an abnormal amount of heat!!! I ended up having to go to the RN and explaining I had used someone’s cream, luckily the RN was a friend and she found the whole thing hilarious! I needed to get a dressing and some other cream put on it to try and counteract the reaction! It was crazy! I mean, at least I could hop after that…but without the skin on my kneecap, what’s the point really??
I also implemented the first part of my plan to ween me off chocolate. I bought some hard-boiled lollies (like humbugs and stuff) and I figured that when I want chocolate, I would have one of those instead. They last longer and they taste like aniseed so I won’t want chocolate after them!! I figure that if I start this now, especially while I have PMS I’ll be able to continue after my monthly joy is over!

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a funny story

May 9th, 2006 (11:55 am)

current mood: embarrassed

Just thought I would share with everyone a personal funny story of mine.
well, you know how I got Jillian's dvds?
Well, she uses an aerobic step in them which of course I don't have
so the other day I thought..."hmm, maybe phone books would be the way to go" So....I'm up the jumping around on the phone book, I go to do a side plyo and slide right off the phone book on my arse....I jumped up all confused...and realised the pages had slid across each other, and the book had effectively opened, firing me off my "step" and onto my arse!!!!

So...I will no longer be using said phone books to help me obtain my wnated physique!! I'm going to go look for a plank of wood or something....

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The female body

May 8th, 2006 (10:14 pm)

current mood: crushed

Well, I went back to the gym today. I was so excited and nervous as I stepped on the scale, and could almost hear AJ telling me it was time to cut the fat LOL…So I’m standing there all nervous, hoping I had lost at LEAST 2kg, wishing it was more like 5, and then I looked at the scale and saw I had GAINED a kilo .I almost picked the whole thing up and threw it out the gym window. I spent 9 freaking hours in the gym last week, not to mention everything I did at home! AND last week at work some old guy grabbed my arse and told me I was putting on weight. I can tell you, this is not a positive thing. I feel a little better knowing that I actually have full-blown PMS at the moment and the arrival of my monthly joy is imminent. Hopefully that is the reason for this stupid gain.
I don’t even know what is up with my knees either. When I first started this exercise program my entire body was fine…but now star jumps kill, and my knees feel a little swollen. I am wondering if it is just because I overdid it on the leg press last week… I don’t know!
I am still waiting to hear from my dad about whether or not he is going to help me out with his credit card for Jillian’s program…. He better say yes!!
I cooked a delicious dinner tonight, and it was well within my calorie range! I get confused though…are brown pasta and brown rice ok to eat?
Because it is that time of the month, I have found myself NEEDING chocolate…not just craving it…needing it! I always give my sister a hard time about being a smoker, as I don’t have an addictive personality so I don’t understand people with addictions, but I think I now know how it feels to need a cigarette. I feel so guilty every time I eat chocolate…I keep thinking about when Jillian went off at Adro, and I feel like I am just as bad. It’s hard to explain.
I hope my results are a lot better next week…I am so down on myself right now. I stupidly though I could see my arms toning and everything….obviously I was day dreaming!!

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Back to the gym tomorrow

May 7th, 2006 (10:44 pm)

current mood: refreshed

Well, I actually did rest today, and now I’m all set for week two tomorrow. I think it will be a bit easier this week, having spent 9 hours in the gym last week! I am looking forward to getting back into it! I can’t believe how much I have loved being in the gym again!! It’s given me a chance to get all my frustrations out. I have a lot of frustrations at the moment.
What exactly defines an alcoholic? To me, someone who can’t last more than 24-48 hours without having a drink is an alcoholic. Someone who says they are going for a walk, and comes back with visine and a six-pack of bourbon and coke is an alcoholic. Someone who can consume said six pack in under two hours and then say “well it’s only 4.5%alcohol” is an alcoholic. Someone who gets so drunk on Christmas eve that she can’t even get out of bed the next morning and rolls over and vomits in her niece’s bedroom floor is an alcoholic. Someone who comes home so drunk and sleeps in her niece’s bed (not with her niece, she was elsewhere) and then wets the bed is an alcoholic. Someone who has a purse that constantly smells like marijuana has a problem. Someone who leaves said purse lying around near a five year old an one year old is just stupid.
How much longer does she have to live with me??? Oh wait…here’s the best part. Instead of trying to find a house, she is going to go to housing trust, cry “rape victim” and get priority housing. It doesn’t matter that it happened nearly a year ago. Why should she get things handed to her on a silver platter because she is a moron? I have had to work my arse off for things my whole life, and here she is getting it all. The only reason I am not going to stop her is because I want her out of here! Don’t get me wrong, she is my sister and I love her, I just think we have outgrown living with each other!!
I was also thinking today about the difference between living your life and enjoying your life. I was trying to figure out which category I am in. It didn’t take me very long actually. I am totally enjoying my life. I love my job, and I love my children. Every day I find something new to love about them. They teach me so much about myself, and about who I want to be to them. They also show me what I missed growing up, which at times can be sad, but it is always good, because it reminds me what I want them to have. I know what kind of mother I want to be, and I strive to be every day. My children know how much I wanted them, how much they are loved. They are so beautiful…I wonder how other people think about their lives??
I had a really good talk to my dad today; both my sister and I did. It was really good to talk to him. There were so many things that he didn’t know went on. We talked about my Gran too. I miss her so much. It’s good seeing my Dad and step mum with the girls. They love them so much. They even bought the baby some new clothes yesterday and they got the eldest one just about everything she needed for school, lunchboxes clothes etc.
I even got up the courage to ask my dad about joining Jillian Michaels online program today and he said he would think about it. He told me to go to virtual trainer.com and see if I could find something there. He doesn’t understand that we are talking about Jillian here! She is the toughest and best personal trainer on the planet, and I think she would be about the only one to whip my arse into shape! She is the one who has started me instigating little positive changes in my life already….
So, now I have to try and be patient and wait until he makes up his mind about whether or not he will help me!! I don’t know what I am going to do if he says no…I have to try and not act upset!! I wish he would just hurry up! I mean, how can he say no, really...I had the money here to hand to him today, if I don’t like it after 5 weeks we can get a refund, and if I don't pay him then he can cancel...it's not like he is spending his own money or anything!! Well, I better get to bed. I have to get my butt back to the gym tomorrow!!!

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(no subject)

May 7th, 2006 (11:55 am)

current mood: indescribable

What Planet Are You From?

this quiz was made by The Autist Formerly Known As Tim

havatalk [userpic]

my sleeping pose

May 7th, 2006 (11:45 am)

current mood: thirsty

I am a toboggan!
Find your own pose!