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I can't wait!!

December 15th, 2007 (12:25 pm)

havatalk [userpic]

Thoughts of a woman

September 11th, 2007 (12:45 am)

current mood: thoughtful

Women who have the courage to share their stories and lives with people inspire so many women out there, women they may never meet, women who may never get the chance to thank them for what they have done.
When one person has the courage to speak out about something so personal yet so public as rape, it is hard for those of us who have suffered along with her not to feel some sort of connection with her, some deep respect and emotion for the woman who stood where we could not, who stands where we can't, and who speaks when we would all be silenced.
So, as yet another woman who has felt that personal, individual pain that haunts us all, I thank you. I thank you for having the courage to tell your stories, and so tell our stories.

havatalk [userpic]

changing tides

August 24th, 2007 (05:48 pm)

I find it amazing how much things can change within the space of a day, a month, a year. Things are always changing. Nothing ever stays the same. Not even the beach. The waves wash upon the shore every day, but it is always a different wave, and always a different shore. Each waves changes and shapes it, changes it in it's own way, leaves something and takes something. Life is so much like that you know. People and places become the waves, and you are the shore...ever changing but always the same. Some parts of me never change, and some things about me are only there for a second before fine tuning themselves into something else.

Everything changes

How often have you looked at the clouds, and found a funny shape, and run to find someone to share it with, only to come back and find that the shape has now been replaced by a cloud resembling a train!

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Middle of the night thoughts

February 21st, 2007 (05:06 pm)

current mood: confused

I woke in the middle of the night crying, and wrote this down:

Do you ever just sit and wonder how different your life might have been?
Sit here crying about oppertunities missed, and ones you embraced, only to find out they weren't right after all?
I often wonder what it would have been like to hear that she wanted me, and loved me. That she was glad I was her daughter.
What if my step mum had given birth to me? Would we be as close as we are now? Or closer?
Would she have been able to protect me and love me, and maybe stop the rape?

I look at my girls, and I feel I have failed them. The house we live in, the clothes we wear, they deserve so much better.
They are so much better than me.
They will be so much more than me.
They won't throw their lives away.
I don't deserve them. They deserve greatness, their own home, the world.
I am so honoured to be their mother, yet I feel so unworthy.
I am so proud of them, and I know how lucky I am to have them.
What if things had been different?
Who would have given birth to them if not me?
Someone who loved them, yes, but would this person truely have known what she had been blessed with?
Would she had appreciated them for what they really are?
Glorious Angels on loan for us.

havatalk [userpic]

cool blog things

October 11th, 2006 (02:57 pm)

You Should Rule Saturn

Saturn is a mysterious planet that can rarely be seen with the naked eye.

You are perfect to rule Saturn because like its rings, you don't always follow the rules of nature.
And like Saturn, to really be able to understand you, someone delve beyond your appearance.

You are not an easy person to befriend. However, once you enter a friendship, you'll be a friend for life.
You think slowly but deeply. You only gain great understanding after a situation has past.

Your Inner Child Is Scared

Like a kid, you tend to shy away from new experiences.
You prefer what's tried and true - novelty is scary!
New foods, new places, and new friends are difficult for you to deal with.
Some say you're predictable, but you enjoy being comfortable.

You Are Kermit

Hi, ho! Lovable and friendly, you get along well with everyone you know.
You're a big thinker, and sometimes you over think life's problems.
Don't worry - everyone know's it's not easy being green.
Just remember, time's fun when you're having flies!

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(no subject)

June 10th, 2006 (09:58 am)

current mood: annoyed

Banner made by miss_atom

Thankyou thankyou thankyou!

havatalk [userpic]

Insane loneliness

May 23rd, 2006 (11:08 pm)

current mood: lonely

I did day one of week three yesterday!! well, actually I got to the gym and there was a circut class in the womens only room, so I decided to do a body combat class while I waited. So, an hour later I staggered out of the classroom and then forced myself to still do day one! I felt so much better for having done it. I did day two today...I'm telling you I don't like the mountain climbers or butt kicks one little bit LOL

Have you ever experienced periods of absolutely insane loneliness? When you think the wholr world would die rather than talk to you or spend time with you? I have these moments every couple of months, and I am going through one right now. It seems I have no real friends... no real people who actually care about me. If I didn't ring or message my friends then I know they wouldn't even bother to ring me. There are times when you can physically feel the ache in your arms and heart, wishing someone was there to love you, and to be loved.
My favourite quote for a while was from Moulin Rouge, "Thankyou for curing my ridiculous obession with love". I actually wish I could use that line towards someone, then I wouldn't be so worried about being and dying alone.

havatalk [userpic]

My "before" photo

May 23rd, 2006 (10:56 pm)

current mood: embarrassed

Just thought I would post my photo two weeks into Jillian's weight loss program. I am calling this one my before photo. Hopefully in another few weeks I'll be thin LOL


havatalk [userpic]


May 21st, 2006 (11:31 pm)

current mood: drunk

Today was a strange day! I had the biggest fight with my sister yesterday which resulted in her storming off and not coming home until late at night. Anyway today she has been ok...just being nice...
I spent today watching movies! I had a list of dvds that I own but have never watched so I decided to watch some today! Kissing Jessica Stein has become one of my favourite movies! And as luck would have it, Reindeer Games is on tv tonight, which is one of the titles on my list!!
I think it's a good movie. For some reason today I thought it might be handy to have a bottle of wine. My sister has had one glass but yeah. I have had the rest!!

I did Jillian's cardio kickbox dvd twice yesterday. I went through it once (not skipping anything) and then redid the whole thing. I am glad today is a rest day!

I start week three tomorrow. I feel like I should have a mini graduation party or something!! I mean, this will be my fourth week, but I repeated week two as my daughter was sick!
I can't wait to start!

havatalk [userpic]

Random thoughts

May 19th, 2006 (11:28 pm)

current mood: confused

Today was one of the best days I have had in a while.
Tuesday was a pupil free day, which I didn’t know about, so I got to m daughters school and all the gates were shut! I took her home and we just spent the day hanging out, and watching movies, playing games, cooking…. it was wonderful. When I put her to bed she hugged me and said “Mummy, today was one of my best days of my life!” I almost cried!!
Anyway back to today!
After breakfast this morning my beautiful older daughter and I sat down and did some of her school reading together! She has only been going to school for 3 weeks so the readers she brings home at this stage are just one little book for a letter of the alphabet and also a book without words for her to make up her own story. After she recognised all the words in her letter “Z” book I wrote down a couple of other words for her to see if she knew them, which she did!! Granted they were only “Cat”, “Dog”, “My” and “Baby” but she knew them!!!! I am so proud of her, and put another note in her lunch box telling her so!!
After I dropped her at school, I ran a few errands and then headed to the gym to do my last day of week 2 of Jillian’s program. (Technically it was my 3rd week, but because my daughter was sick last week I repeated week 2).
Then I came home, did a bit of cleaning, played with my beautiful baby girl, and cooked dinner. Then it was time to pick my other daughter up, head to swimming lessons and then onto to Nannie and Granda’s! I had left the quiche cooking at their place so we had dinner there! It was so nice to spend time with them again. My dad loves the girls so much, and they were so excited when my step mum got home! The baby was clapping her hands and everything! The girls were so well behaved even though they were up almost an hour past their bedtimes! I had to carry two very sleepy girls in to bed when we got home. And nothing, and I mean NOTHING tops off an excellent day like a helping of Madonna! That’s right, I cranked up my copy of the drowned world tour and lost myself in the beauty that is Madonna!! I tell you what, stuff the exercising; my heart rate was up pretty high just from sitting on the lounge watching Madonna move!! *giggle*
The only dark patch of the day was once again my sister. She had forgotten her keys today, so I headed to her work about 3pm to drop them off. When I got there I was informed she had finished work ages ago. She has been telling us she has been working really late, but now I find out she is lying. The worst part if she promised my daughter that if she finished early enough she would come and watch her at swimming lessons. When she finally did get home tonight she was so out of it. Her talking was so slow and slurred and the dumb part is she is so trashed I can’t tell if she is more stoned or drunk. I really think I need to grow some balls and tell her she needs to hurry up and move out. I can’t do this for much longer. I had the carpets cleaned yesterday and put signs up everywhere forbidding shoes, food or drinks in the lounge room. When I got home last night, there was black stuff all over the floor. Naturally I accused her of leaving her shoes on, and she said quite defiantly that it wasn’t mud; it was the wafer biscuits she had been eating. WTF?? It said no food damn it!! She just does not care.

E came over last night…I have missed her a lot and I don’t think she understands that. I think I have slipped down her ladder of importance and I have a feeling there is another woman involved once again. *sighs* I feel like she is lost to oblivion. I feel like everything is gone. I know everything is gone. There was a moment last night where I felt that everything was lost. One single moment from the whole night confirmed everything for me.
I only hope that our friendship will remain as important to her as it does to me. My children love and miss her as well.
I guess time will sort everything out. I only hope she knows who and what she is to me!

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